Some of the biggest players in our relationships are not even alive or real, but they have a tremendous impact nonetheless. People who shaped our conditioning, particularly our parents, are still a part of our relationships whether we realize it or not. Other people—imaginary ones—are also part of our relationships and influence them just as much as real people. People don’t have to be alive or present to affect our relationships, and at least when they are, we are aware of them. The trouble with the ghosts from the past and from our imagination is that we are often not aware of their presence or their impact on our relationships.

These ghosts are fantasies, memories, and other ideas about what the partner should or shouldn’t be like. It’s as if they stand between us and our partner and alter our vision of him or her, for good or for bad, because they can work either way.

Here’s an example of how this works: Let’s say your mother had a certain shape to her body, and you found her irritating. The woman you’re with has a similar shape. When you notice it, you feel turned off by it. This feeling of repulsion becomes your experience in that moment, so you conclude you must not love her and she must not be the one for you. Or it can work the other way: Your mother had a certain shape, and you loved her very much. The woman you’re in love with has the same shape. When you notice it, you feel love and conclude you love her and that she’s the one for you.

This feeling of attraction isn’t love. Attraction is just tied to a feeling of love, and it is a conditioned response, not real love. The feeling of love (attraction) is just masquerading as real love. This is why we can fall in love with someone we don’t even know: Falling in love is a feeling of attraction that gets triggered by something about the partner. It’s a conditioned response.

Fantasies, which are a form of conditioning, are one of the most common ghosts that interfere with relating. Everyone has an image of an ideal man or woman that interferes with seeing the real person. Let’s say your ideal woman is a tall, thin blonde. When you see a woman who fits this description, you imagine she has all the other qualities of your ideal woman as well—qualities that don’t have anything to do with being tall, thin, and blond.

This can even happen when someone has only a slight resemblance to our ideal; the right hair or the right walk or the right way of responding might be enough for you to imagine that someone has all the qualities you desire. When this connection is made, most of the time it’s so unconscious that you don’t even notice the person’s dissimilarities to your ideal. When you do finally see them, which is bound to happen, you feel betrayed. You feel deceived or fooled by that person when, really, you deceived yourself.

This phenomenon is obvious in dating if it happens often enough, but a similar thing happens in committed relationships. You have an image of the ideal wife or the ideal husband, and when the real person doesn’t behave like that ideal, you feel angry. Although you no longer fool yourself into thinking your partner is some other way (because you know better), you still think he or she should behave like your ideal, or should at least try to. When your partner doesn’t, you feel angry. You may judge and even attack your partner for not behaving the way you want. Instead of accepting your partner, you keep hoping he or she will change.

This tendency to expect others to meet our ideals is obviously absurd when it’s pointed out, but when you’re reacting to your partner falling short of your ideals, it feels absolutely reasonable. The ego assumes that its ideas— and even its fantasies—are the right ones and that it has the right to suggest that everyone else conform to them. Everyone has an equally self-centered and arrogant ego. Once you realize the arrogance of the ego, it’s quite laughable, and hopefully you and your partner can learn to laugh at the immaturity and arrogance of the ego. It’s immature in the sense that the ego sees the world as revolving around it, just as a child does. This point of view is about as far from the truth as you can get, which is why it causes so much suffering.

Another ghost that haunts and interferes with our relationships is the memory of people we have known. It’s very common, especially in more established relationships, to react to our partner as if he or she is someone else. Instead of relating to your partner, you act as if you are relating to your mother, father, sibling, ex-partner, or someone else your partner is reminding you of in that moment. When that happens, you aren’t even actually relating to that other person, but to your idea of that other person. Our relationships often get muddied by such memories and ideas.

Let’s suppose your husband has a way of stroking your hair that reminds you of how your father touched you. Whenever your partner does that, you regress to an image of yourself as a child and behave as you did with your father. When you do this, it reminds your husband of his baby sister, whom he was very fond of. This brings out his nurturing side, which reinforces your tendency to regress. As a result, you establish a habitual father-daughter type of interaction within your relationship, which is not appropriate for lovers, but sometimes occurs in relationships.

Not only memories of people, but also memories of past incidents interfere with our relationships. We tend to react to something that is happening in the present with our partner as we did to something similar in the past. Every moment is different from every other moment, but we often respond as we did to a similar moment in the past. This is how patterns get established in relating: whenever a certain situation comes up, you react the same way. In this way, the past often shapes our present experience.

An example of this would be if your partner suggests that you straighten up the living room because guests are coming over, and you remember an argument the two of you had about keeping the house neat. So you respond defensively rather than purely to that request in that moment. Instead of letting your reaction flow out of the moment, you react to a memory—an idea.

These ghosts affect our relationships, but they don't have to. Once we become aware of our unconscious, conditioned reactions to others, we can choose to let our conditioning interfere with our relationships or not. Awareness of our conditioning frees us from it and makes it possible for us to respond lovingly to the real person in front us instead of to a ghost.

Gina Lake is a spiritual teacher who is devoted to helping others wake up and live in the moment through her many books, counseling, and intensives. She has a master's degree in counseling psychology and over twenty years experience supporting people in their spiritual growth. Her website offers information about her books and consultations, free e-books, book excerpts, a free monthly newsletter, a blog, and audio and video recordings: http://www.radicalhappiness.com.